Valentine’s Day—Greatest Alternative Fact Ever?
1803 (Chief Justice Marshall stated any Act of Congress that conflicts with the Constitution is void.
1929 (Al Capone settled a business dispute)
1951 (Sugar Ray Robinson took middleweight title)
1991 (The Silence of the Lambs was released)
2016 (The Revenant won the Best Film award at the BAFTAS).
Of course, nobody really thinks of any of these events on that day because everyone is being scammed by the biggest alternative fact in human history.
People believe that February 14 is the one day throughout the year that should be devoted entirely to true expressions of heartfelt love for the object of one’s affection. Typically this love is symbolized through the selection and giving of a gift that perfectly captures the full intensity of the enduring bond of affection felt toward that person who in turn recognizes that token to be exactly what it is intended to be. Historically, the male gender has generally taken the role of the party selecting that perfect gift.
Now let’s examine the facts:
First, the story is phony. St. Valentine’s Day is not actually February 14 but rather February 15. It was changed to the earlier date by Pope Gelasius in 498 AD supposedly to honor the martyrdom of St Valentine. The real motive was different and was solely to end the joyful festival of Lupercalia which was a time during which boys dressed up as goats and dogs and engaged in activities that are probably better left undescribed in a family-friendly environment such as this.
So the whole purpose of the day was to banish fun and focus solemnly on an execution.
Who then was St. Valentine? Here accounts differ but a generally accepted version is that Valentine performed marriages in defiance of the law and was imprisoned and sentenced to death. While awaiting execution he cured the blindness of a jailor’s daughter and before the execution reportedly sent her a note “from your Valentine.” There was no last lasting love match or indeed perhaps any real romantic bond at all between the two.
How this actual set of events became the basis for the global annual insanity that occurs every February 14 is one of the greatest mysteries in human history. It is a hoax that has lasted for more than 1,500 years and bilked billions of gullible people out of trillions of dollars. Bernie Madoff is a rank amateur compared to the con men that have pulled this one off. If ever there were a need for government intervention to protect consumers it is here.
Being realistic, that will not happen before next year so a strategy is needed to manage the immediate crisis. The male gender is more at risk here.
February 14 has become the one day in which men all around the world are united by a common bond and that is FEAR. In their normal activities, whether it is fixing a car, facing down a bear, exploring the remotest jungle, solving the world’s most intractable political problems, men always exude confidence, determination, and an absolute certainty of succeeding.
On February 14 homo sapiens is replaced by a fear-filled, confused, and disoriented animal who knows that no matter how hard he tries, he is doomed to fail.
The odds of picking the gift that says “I love you” in the way the recipient of that gift wants these tender words to be said is actually zero.
Of course one could just go with the boring roses and chocolates but research has shown that what every person who truly wants to be loved values quality long-term communication above all.
That makes it really easy to find the perfect way to say “I love you” this time before the regulators end the problem forever next year.
What guarantees perfect communication more than a flagship phone on just the right Tier 1 carrier?
You already know whether the object of your affections is an Androidian or iOSian. You also know where your beloved will roam when away from you so carrier choice is easy.
For the extremely brave, the risk takers who will take any chance to cuts costs, and for those who know the current beloved is not the one but are uncomfortable saying that directly, there is an inexpensive alternative. A gently used Moto E that might pass FED on reactivation and a coupon for free activation on the CellNUVO is the way to go.
Are there better options?